The bill arrives at a café in Amsterdam, and the man across the table takes out his phone to work out what each of them ordered. Splitting the bill is the ordinary way to pay on a Dutch first date, and it says little about how much he likes the woman across from him. She moved from Madrid a few months earlier, and she is still learning which signals belong to the culture and which belong to the man.

Money on a First Date

In a 2019 survey in the Netherlands, 50% of respondents said the bill on a first date should be split, and slightly more than 30% said the man should pay. The English phrase "going Dutch," meaning that each person pays for their own share, describes the local default.

Ask a local friend what is normal before the first date, then offer to pay a share regardless. A man who accepts the offer in Amsterdam is following custom. A man who expects a woman to pay for his dinner in a country where men usually pay is telling her something about himself.

Friendships in a New City

A woman living abroad for a year or more usually needs friends before she needs dates, because friends introduce her to people and explain what she is seeing. In the 2024 Expat Insider survey by InterNations, Kuwait ranked last overall, and only 22% of expats there were satisfied with their social connections. Panama ranked first, with 82% of expats saying they were happy with life there and the fourth easiest visa process in the survey, and Spain and Mexico were also in the top 5.

The same survey placed the United Kingdom and Ireland among the 10 lowest-ranked countries. A woman moving to one of them should expect the social side to take longer and should plan for it, through a sports club or a language class that meets weekly with the same members.

Custom and Character

Local customs make poor evidence of character, since a man in Madrid who books dinner for 10pm and a man in Amsterdam who splits the bill are each doing what everyone around them does. A newcomer who judges men by those habits will misread most of them.

The traits that identify a high-value man are personal and look much the same in any country. He is candid about what he wants, he talks about past relationships without contempt, and he accepts a refusal the first time it is given. Those habits are worth watching closely in a place where everything else is unfamiliar.

Dinner at Ten in Spain

Restaurants in Spain often do not open for dinner until around 8pm and do not fill up until 9pm or later, so a dinner invitation for 9:30 or 10pm is ordinary. Dining times also vary within the country depending on the climate. Long lunch breaks and afternoon siestas have mostly disappeared from large companies in the major cities, but dinner has stayed late. Part of the reason is that by its longitude Spain belongs in the same time zone as Portugal and the United Kingdom, but during the Second World War Francisco Franco moved the country onto the same time as Germany, and it never moved back.

Spain's late-night dining affects the shape of a date. For a woman used to eating at 7pm in London or New York, the gap is 3 hours. A dinner that starts at 10pm can run past midnight, so a woman who wants an early night can suggest an afternoon walk or a drink at 7pm instead, which locals will treat as an ordinary plan.

The Confession Custom in Japan

In Japan a relationship often starts with a formal statement. The custom is called kokuhaku, meaning confession, and the usual phrase, "Suki desu. Tsukiatte kudasai," translates as "I like you. Please go out with me." Until one person says it and the other accepts, two people who have been meeting for dinner are not considered a couple.

In a 2021 survey of 208 Japanese women aged 20 to 45 on the right time for a love confession, 80.3% said a confession on the first date was too early, and 52.9% said the third date was the best time. Among the women who had received a confession, 31% received it on the second date and another 31% on the third. Respondents also said a confession left until the sixth date or later was less likely to be accepted. A foreign woman who assumes she is in a relationship because of how the dates feel may find the other person is waiting for a confession. She can make it herself.

International Marriages in Japan

International marriages in Japan peaked in 2006 at 44,701, or 6.11% of all marriages. By 2013 the number had fallen to 21,488, about 1 in every 30 marriages. Among Japanese women who married foreign men that year, Korean husbands accounted for 27.9%, followed by American and Chinese husbands.

Those figures cover only marriages. Most cross-border relationships never reach that point, but the figures still show that a foreign woman dating in Japan is part of a pattern that includes tens of thousands of couples a year.

Law and Public Behavior

In November 2020, the United Arab Emirates announced a relaxing of Islamic laws so that unmarried couples could live together legally, and it removed penalties for drinking alcohol for people aged 21 and over. Before the change, cohabitation by unmarried couples was a crime, although the authorities often did not enforce it against foreigners. The reforms did not cover public displays of affection, which have led to foreign visitors being jailed. The reforms also made assaults committed in the name of a family's honor punishable in the same way as any other assault. The same package allowed foreigners to use the laws of their home country, instead of Islamic law, for marriage, divorce and inheritance.

A woman moving abroad should read the local rules on cohabitation and public affection before her first date, using official travel advice from her own government. The rules can differ between cities in the same country and can change with little notice.

Two Sets of Rules

Dating in a foreign country is ordinary dating plus a second set of local rules. The first set, about honesty and respect, is the same everywhere. The second covers who pays, what time dinner starts, when someone says "I like you" and what the law allows, and it has to be learned one country at a time, usually from local friends before anyone else.